My crippling depression.

I write this blog now because I feel the emence pressure of life. Currently, I am crying my eyes out without anyone comforting me. And I'm falling hard back into the pit of depression. I've once again been slammed with the reality of the complexity of my life. And the struggle it bears. I now don't want to grow up. I don't want to go anywhere. Do anything. I just want to be done over with everything. I want to be completely alone with my depression. It took me years to climb out of this cavern and now I'm being pulled back in. It's not fair but nothing really is. I wrote a blog about someone going insane this week but my phone lost almost all of the content I wrote except for the first three lines. After finding this out I'm crying even more because all my hard work I was ready to publish vanished. I feel like the person I wrote about like I'm going insane. I somehow created this illusion that my life was a whole lot less hard than it actually is. I no longer have the desire to excel. I no longer wish to appear anywhere outside my house. I wish to completely disappear. I'm sorry if this seems to offend or seem selfish. But this is all I feel now one empty hole and no wish to change it until it wants to go away. My love for freedom and expression are dead. I'm not ready to relive horror I had to go through five years ago. That took two years to be over and three more years to have a contest silent fight. Yet it seems I'm here again on the same rollercoaster heading straight down.

Never Personal

My blog will never be personal and here's why. There's nothing amazing or awesome about me personally. I'm an annoying little brat who hates her home life and the cards I've been delt in life. Everything sucks. I'm trying my best to care and put effort into things but really I wish I could give and everything be ok. But I never seem to reach any of my life goals. To be happy and ok is such an impossible task. Especially  when you feel and think everyone hates you or thinks you're a b*tch. Nothing ever seems right. And I always feel guilty or like an elephant is sitting on my chest. Being in such a small place you're always judged and squeezed into some societal norm. All the friends you have, all people you met, all the mistakes you make. It will eventually get thrown back into your face to define how society sees you. Remember society isn't just this island. It's family and classmates. All the people closest to you. Even this post is going to be judge. By the reader, by my teacher and by you. I'm sorry but I don't care what you think. This is personal. This is how I see things accept it or forget it. I've had too much sh*t happen to me to give a damn. And this is why there will never be anything personal. I'm not willing to be dissected like a frog.

Wings.

What if we could grow wings? Would they be enormous? What color would they be? I would think the wings would match the person. Including size and color. They be a complete reflection of yourself; on the inside. How would our society feel? Would it accept this wonderful new trait or reject it? Will our attitudes towards each other change? What about the people who can't grow them? I would expect they would be treated differently like an outcast. I would hope that  wouldn't be true, I know I wouldn't treat them any different. Would it be a blessing or a curse? Everything would be different and have to change. Land transport would be a like of the passed. Airplanes gone. Instead it would be wonderfully clean and clear skies. We'd no longer have to look up at the sky and wonder what clouds would feel like? What if they weren't meant for flying? What if we were like ostriches or peacocks? Where our wings aren't made for flight but instead we had speed or beauty. Would we become foreign creatures, like angels? The higher beings we adore.