Fear of being invisible.

Many and probably everyone doesn't know this about me but I'm scared of being unseen and unheard. I'm scared of not being talented. That I'm just that person people would see in the life but never interact with. I feel like I'm slowly slipping reality. Sunday morning I was with my boyfriend and felt like even though he was sitting in front of me, staring at me. I felt like he was a figment of my imagination and it wasn't real. 

I feel like everything I've done means nothing. Every word ever spoken or written. Every competition. Every prize. All apart of something that doesn't really exist. I'm scared of not being good enough. I'm scared that nothing good will happen or stay. I'm scared people will only see me as a figment of their imagination. 

Because I a scared I try to do my best. I try, to be honest, and kind. I try to be a real friend. But then I don't feel like anyone actually sees me as a friend. Or not a friend that will stay. Even though I know that's not how it is. It's what fear does. 

Because of this fear I have other fears. I fear rejection. I fear acceptance. I fear being loved. I fear being hated. I fear betrayal. I fear adoration. This makes me awfully aware of my existence on this planet. I am one in 7 billion. I'm basically already insignificant. 

But there is a bight side. I don't live by my fears. Cause if I did I wouldn't be who I am today. And I wouldn't be doing the things I'm doing. 

The SAT

Dear Fellow Classmates,

Don't take the SAT. Nope. Don't do it. It sucks. Avoid at all costs. If you don't need to take it to get into college and please listen to me, save your money and don't take it! And if you have to don't do the essay. Trust me it's not going to be fun. I did it without and it still wasn't easy, so why make it harder on yourself? Do it without. Also do request extra time if you have learning disabilities like me it's definitely going to help. Or if you're a slow reader or aren't good under pressure by sure to request it. I had a hard time and it wasn't because of the things I thought it would be for. I didn't finish some questions because I didn't have enough time. The entire 3 hours for the exam I felt like I was in a daze. By the time I was done I felt brain dead. Nobody needs the stress and worry the SAT brings. I was sure I would die. At one point in the language and comprehension section I looked over at the person sitting next to me and she was DONE. I felt sick after that. Just take my advice, don't do it. I'm trying to save your life and beautiful brain cells. The worst part about the SAT is that it's not even a test of intelligence it's really us to see how well you can take a test. Like seriously I got up at 6 in the morning to take a test I had to pay for, that doesn't show how academically intelligent am but too see if I can take a test under test conditions. WTF is this bullshit?! In the end I just hope I did well enough to get what I need from it. 

Insert Inspiring Life Quote Here.

All I want for everyone is happiness😊, friendship👯 and light🌞. Not a normal thing for me to say (If you know me or have read my other posts), you definitely know I wouldn't say something like that out loud. That's why it's not coming out of my mouth but is written in this blog. Insert smiling emoji here. But I'm very serious.😐 I literally am hippie flower child🌺 when I want to. I wish everyone the best. I don't like conflict🙅. Even though I have a sassy ass attitude at times💁. I honestly just want there to be peace✌and harmony 🐝 for everyone.
I hope this year will treat everyone well and that we will treat each other with respect. I wish this year would be one of acceptance and forgiveness. To realize we don't need to be at war with the world. And for the world to realize it doesn't need another war. It's time for us to take care of our planet 🌏and ourselves👨‍👩‍👧‍👦. We should celebrate 🍾🎊life everyday, because we don't know when it will be our last.

Last Breath Chap. 1

Time travel is something everyone wants but once you’re actually given that gift, what do you do with it? You don’t ever know what’s going to happen. Your life might be totally different if you did the slightest thing different. Futures are ever changing with hundreds and thousands of different scenarios all waiting to happen. I am no one to say, I only travel through flowing waters of time. I am a simple being, created by a higher all mighty power. I am the one people fear at the ends of their lives or some welcome. I am a grim reaper.
               
The weird thing is people know about us but don’t actually know us. They assume we are dark, stark and intimidating creatures. Most of us are cold cause we have to be, getting attached to a dying person is heartbreaking. Some of us have our flaws like our sadistic wants to how people die. Generally gruesome deaths are the ones they indulge in taking care of. But in the end, we’re all the same we just want to put everyone’s soul to rest in peace. Unfortunately, not all get peace some have a fate beyond life that require something I find most unpleasant.
               
Life is happening all around us and all through time people believe death is in the now. They’re wrong, death happens all through time we have to collect and direct souls all through time to there the afterlife. For example, someone could be scheduled to die tomorrow but tomorrow could April 3, 2004, or even 300 B.C. Time isn’t limited to us, we were created before man to help when their fate comes pass.

Addicted.

Something about how he speaks it draws you. something about his voice, the words he says it's all alluring to you. You get hooked on the end of his words. But it's not just what he says it's how he looks at you, his eyes. How it catches you in a single moment, how you believe everything. You become captured in his essence everything about him just hold you at a standstill. You can't seem to get enough of it. It just continues and goes on within. You develop these feelings that you don't usually have. Something about him you can't put your finger on it. It's hard to say, just on the tip of your tongue. Everything about him says "maybe I should just go away" to you but yet you stay. Ever wonder why? He's caught you like a spider got a fly in its web, it's not a Web of Lies. He's just trapped you. You feel helpless but you feel good he is one single perfected addiction. Something that you'll never get over, it will keep drawing you in. Into his world and his light, into his darkness. But you can't seem to get enough. But what can you do you just have to continue. Continue to have more. But even all of him wouldn't be enough.

Story EPIC

I'm thinking of writing and epic story. But it's hard to be a writer and creating an entirely new universe without being compared to one that's already been created. Most of the major universes draw from myth and legend. Well, let's be honest myths and legends are awesome. Not to mention that there are so many versions of the one same thing across cultures and countries. Then there are ones specific to only one culture. They are the result of creativity, reality, crime, and mystery. These four elements are what make a great story. Authors like J.K.Rowling and J.R.R. Tolkien set a high standard of what a created universe and epic story should be like. It should draw in millions and entertain the masses. Also, other inspiration is taken from something very common, the pantheon. There are several pantheons. Most commonly known are the Greek/Roman and the Norse.

Remember, Remember the 5th of November.

Roaring flames.

How the light reflected off of my skin.

Delicious cotton candy

Warm Glow

I love bonfires. Don't you? I love everything about them. How the flames roar. The intense warm feeling you get in your gut. How the flames stretch up to touch their sparkling cousins the stars. The slow crackle you hear from the wood splitting and turning to ash as the fire dances between its wooden veins. On the 5th of November (this past Saturday) I went to my first Guy Fawkes bonfire Night and it was Amazing. I got to eat cotton candy and meet up with an old friend I hadn't seen in forever. the music was good and everyone seems to be happy. I also saw a few teachers of course. (Very common when living on a small island) But I think the best thing about this night was that I went all by myself. None of my friends who asked to come didn't. My mother said she would come but didn't. It's the first party I'd been to where it was my decision to go by myself and be perfectly happy to do so. At first, I was nervous to go ALL BY MY-SELF. But somehow I worked out. I watched the fire burn. I hear the snap, crackle, and pop. I saw the embers fly into the sky like gliding fire fairies. and last of all the precious warm glow of a fading fire. (My favorite part) I promise you there is nothing more simply wonderful than a bonfire night. I most definitely will remember the 5th of November.